Saturday night, I saw U2 at Soldier Field in Chicago. I keep trying to write about it but I either start talking about how amazing they sounded or how I can't believe that it took me like 20 years to see this band live and I still can't manage to give a decent summation of just how amazing the whole experience was. Also, there is no way to say you had some sort of visceral or spiritual experience when they encored the second time with “With or Without You” without sounding like a douche, so I’m not even going to try.
Some of the great moments for me:
*Hearing the opening chords of "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" and having the band stop playing entirely while the sold out 60,000 person audience sang their hearts out, acapella.
*Looking around me while I'm rocking out to "Pride" and thinking to myself that this fucking rocks.
*Being completely moved when Bono, saying goodnight after the second encore, looks out into the audience and says, "Thank you for giving us this amazing life."
That still makes me tear up a little bit.
Great review of the show here.
Saturday in general was probably one of the best days I've had in the last ten years and for more reasons than just the concert. I am on the precipice of some amazing happenings and even with all my doubts and insecurities, I just know in my gut that things are going to work out the way I want them to. Me one year ago would scoff at such a statement, but the me now is seeing the world in a much different light. And I'm thinking that perhaps articulating what you want, even if just to yourself, somehow sets the universe in motion, and maybe that knocks over a book that blows out a candle, and eventually leads you to falling in love with a guy you knew in high school, which in turn inspires you to pursue what your truly passionate about and even if you end up with a broken heart, realizing it isn't all in vain.
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Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it is
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did
And hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin
I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone
Or anything at all
Who's to say where the wind will take you?
Who's to say what it is will break you?
I don't know, which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around?
Don't want to see you cry
I know that kiss is not goodbye
It's summer, I can taste the salt of the sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on the breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me...
I'm a man, I'm not a child...
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes
Who's to say where the wind will take you?
Who's to say what it is will break you?
I don't know, where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around?
I don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye
Did I waste it?
Not so much I couldn't taste it
Life should be fragrant
Rooftop to the basement
The last of the rock stars
When hip hop drove the big cars
In the time when new media
Was the big idea
That was the big idea
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I had a great Labor Day weekend. My life-long friend, Cindy, and her beautiful family came down from Michigan to visit me here in Cincy for the weekend. We watched Jessen play water polo and went to the zoo, to the pool, and to see the fireworks on the River. We also drank a lot of beer (love Oberon mini-kegs!) and ate Skyline dip until we thought we'd explode. The best part though was just spending time with a dear friend, whom I greatly admire and love and adore....just as much as I did back in school. It's hard to believe that I've been friends with Cindy since I was 8 or 9 and spending time with her now, it just doesn't even seem like we were ever out of touch. I was so sad to see them go, but I know it won't be too long until we can see one another much more often.
Speaking of life-long friends, my dear friend, Jacque, and I are headed to see U2 this weekend at Soldier Field in Chicago. This stop kicks off their North American tour which should bring a great energy to the show. I'm not only excited about going simply because, HELLO, this is Ufucking2!!!! but I'm also very excited because this has been an item on my life list for quite some time and we all know how I love making lists and subsequently crossing things off them once they are completed. Living is AWESOME!
I am thrilled to be going with Jacque for a couple of reasons...one being that she is another friend that dates back to grade school and I simply adore her and secondly because she is about the most hardcore U2 fan I know. When I originally bought the tickets, I did so with the intention of going to the show with someone else and it's been difficult for me to not be tremendously disappointed by the fact that it's not going to happen, especially since there has been no real closure to the whole situation. So, I am trying to focus on the great time that I'm going to have and less on the missing. After all, it doesn't do me a lot of good to waste anymore of my heart on someone who clearly doesn't care. But anyway, I am certain I will have a great time with Jacque.
There is a bunch of other stuff going on and I've got some other huge developments happening this weekend but I'll have to keep that under wraps for a wee bit longer.
Yes, I am a TEASE.
I will just say that I'm trusting the universe and I'm amazed sometimes by how good the world can actually be. |
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It occurred to me that I missed my blogaversary on August 20. Riddle me this: How is it possible that I've been blogging for six years? Of course that includes the years on my old blog and here....but really? SIX years?
Also, how is it possible that in six years of blogging, my writing has not improved in the slightest?
I'm going to have to think about that one.
At any rate, the whole sixth blog anniversary got me looking over some of my old posts and realizing how much my life has changed in the last six years. On one hand six years doesn't seem like a long time at all and then when I think about the moves I've made, the job changes, losing my parents, ending relationships, two presidential elections, Kaylie going off to college....it just blows my mind that all of that stuff happened over just six short years.
I thought it might be fun to repost a couple of favorites from by gone days. (Or is it days by gone?) Nostalgia. Whatthefuckever.
Here are a few I found at first glance:
There's this one - where I wish had testicles.
And this one where I made up some mid-year resolutions...wtf??? I think I drink too much. Although, they are some pretty good resolutions.
Of course this one where I talk about my someone.
And I can't forget this one where I discuss being a projector.
I'll look through some more to see if I can find any others that are half way decent and worth sharing. It's funny but it seems like the majority of my posts were about why I haven't been posting anything or how I never have sex.
I'm a sad, sad, little woman.
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Google Chat conversation I just had with my great friend, Scott:
me: i have to teach a class today at noon.
scott: a class on how to be awesome?
me: exactly
want to sign up?
scott: i need it?
me: y ou can teach it with me.
I'll let you forward the power point slides.  |
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I left Kaylie at the dorm tonight and I don't know how else to really describe how I feel, other than to just say that I'm heartbroken. Even the Fat Tire and cupcakes don't seem to be offering much comfort.
My heart is sad :(
But I'm also feeling so blessed to have the greatest daughter on pretty much the whole planet.
And her heart is happy.
I'm heading out early in the morning for the long ride home. Hopefully I can get my shit together somehow in that 1800 mile trek.
But tonight, I'm just going to let myself be sad.
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We made it to Phoenix....finally.
I'm not sure what it is, perhaps me just getting old, but man, this 1800 mile drive in less than 2 days is completely kicking my ass.
I have photos from the road to post but I'm feeling too tired right now to do anything more than lay here on my cushy bed, eating Chipotle, and watching That 70s Show.
We're up early tomorrow morning to have Kaylie down at ASU by 7am to pick up the keys to her dorm and then get her moved in. I think there is a little welcome family thing after that. I'm going to try to hook up with Heather tomorrow night but at some point tomorrow I intend to dip myself in the hotel pool and then bake in the sun for a short nap.
I know. I'm only a few grey hairs and an AARP card away from fitting right in with the retirees here.
I don't know what kind of shape I'm going to be in tomorrow. I mean, it's all happening and it almost seems surreal that Kaylie will be staying here and I will be going back home with out here and I will no longer see her everyday. But, as we were driving into the valley tonight and Kaylie and I were singing Notorious B.I.G.'s part in "Mo Money, Mo Problems" loud and proud, I was overcome with just how much I am going to miss that kid.
Photos coming! |
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We are leaving this morning to begin the long trek out to Phoenix to take Kaylie to Arizona State University.
It's been a long time since I've made this drive and I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.
It's hard to believe the summer is over and this day has actually come.
I'll be posting photos from the road and probably calling you for company or consolation. |
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I had a great trip home to Michigan this weekend!!!!!
I have a lot I want to say about the whole weekend overall, especially about the great time spent with friends I've known since probably elementary school, but I will have to save that for a little later when I've had enough time to process all my thoughts.
I will say this though: The Universe is conspiring to help me achieve the things I really want.
There are some amazing things happening with me and while I'm not quite ready to share it all yet, I will say that there will be a lot of exciting changes for me in the coming months (including changes in work and a move!) !!!!! Also, just when I was feeling about as low as I could get, suddenly I am surrounded by the most amazing people who are offering me more inspiration and encouragement than I could have ever possibly dreamed of.
I am so thankful.
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“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” - Paulo Coehlo |
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I've been having some very vivid and sometimes crazy dreams lately. I'm not certain if it's just my internal struggles and anxieties manifesting through my psyche but I was talking to Kaylie about it yesterday and she suggested that it's likely due to the fatigue from all the hours I've been working. Apparently she's noticed a correlation between the nights I stay up working very late and the comments I make the following day about the strange dreams I've had. Oh, these kids these days...alll smart and attentive.
A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that Kaylie had been abducted. As in kidnapped, not abducted by aliens. It was horrifying! I recall having to find a recent photo of her so I could make fliers and I took the fliers to every single business in town. Which, just as an aside, is pretty weird that I would use the same method to track down my daughter as I would to find my lost dog but anyways. So, yeah, I made these "Have You Seen Me?" fliers and went all over town and I remember talking with the FBI and local police. Somehow I got in touch with this family who had a daughter who had been abducted and I was thinking that they were going to offer me support, you know, like "we've been where you are". Instead when I told them what I'd been doing to try to find her and told them that she had been missing for three days but I was still holding out hope, they laughed at me! They told me I should just face reality and that with three days already gone I should just face the likely fact that I would never see Kaylie again. |
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Guaranteed.
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Giving it to God....like I should have done a long time ago. The control freak in me is finally surrendering! |
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Nine years ago today, I saw your face for the first time.
Nine years later, my heart still overflows.
Happy Birthday Bennett |
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A few people have asked me recently what I thought about Sarah Palin's resignation as governor of Alaska. Well, that was at least a couple of weeks ago and it occurred to me that I've been clearly spending far too much time lately filling my blog with self-indulgent, bloviated, mental masturbation. Enough of that already. I am trying very fervently to conquer my dejected disposition, especially since it's inevitably over things which I have no control over to begin with.
So, yeah. Sarah Palin. |
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A little randomata about my visit home to Michigan this weekend:
*Took the boys to see the new Harry Potter on Friday night with my cousin Heather and her two boys. This film was much darker than those prior but overall, I thought it was very well done.
*It was cool weather the entire weekend but still nice. I love wearing sweatshirts and jeans at night.
*Stuffed myself full at the Chinese buffet in Big Rapids.
*Bennett trying sushi and Dawn discovering the baboon sticks.
*I also found that the Marathon station at the Reed City exit has way better No-Bake cookies than Wesco.
*Despite several inquiries I received regarding whether or not the intent of my visit was to attend "Bike Week", I must regrettably say it was not. As a matter of fact, I had never even heard of "Bike Week" until I tried finding a blasted hotel room and could not because they were all booked! I am rather curious though about what would make someone think that "Bike Week" would be my thing?????
*Oberon and how I can't believe that I have been missing out on it for so many years prior but also how it is very hazardous to my sobriety because I can drink a ton of it. I think it's also sort of a sodium pentathol for me because at one point on Saturday night I found myself talking to my dear friend from high school, whom I haven't seen in 17 or so years, about everything under the sun from the time that I ate cat food to my vibrator. Also, it apparently compels me to join in singing "Sugar We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy at the top of my lungs. ???? "......I'll be your number one with a bullet....a loaded God complex, cock it and pull it...".
*Staying up WAY too late and getting up WAY too early.
*The boys and I bringing flowers to my Dad's grave in Hesperia.
*The World's Largest Weathervane
*I still can't get used to two-way traffic on Seaway Drive.
*Stuffed Hashbrowns at the Apple Cafe
*Delivering Jessen to water polo camp at the University of Michigan and seeing him light up like he just figured out where he belongs.
*Thinking that this is just warming me up for next month when I take Kaylie to ASU.
*Driving back home, feeling exhausted and like I didn't get to see everyone and do everything I wanted to do.
*Feeling more homesick than I have in a long, long, time. |
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 Me, Jenny, Tim and Craig at the Def Leppard show @ Riverbend. |
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This weekend has left me completely exhausted. Every time I am on call I am reminded of just how very much I hate it and how what I really need to be doing is focusing my energy into pursuing the means to move to another position/job. This time was particularly bad because there ended up being an issue that consumed the majority of the weekend, beginning Friday afternoon.
Friday we had our annual company picnic at Coney Island, and I kid you not, we no sooner pulled in the parking lot and I was paged for an issue! So, I ended up getting as far as the entrance and had to sit down at a picnic table and began working on it and I didn't leave that spot for the next 3 or so hours. Jessen took Bennett over to the water park and Kaylie walked around some but I didn't get to enjoy anything with them and I can't even begin to tell you how pissed I am about that. Anyhow, I worked the issue until around midnight and picked it up again on Saturday morning and ended up coming into the office to work until around 4pm. After all the troubleshooting and racking of my brain to try to fix this, turns out it was a web proxy issue where a port was hardcoded. One of the network guys made the change and BAM, everything was fixed. Grrrr. These 60+ hour weeks are kicking my ass.
I was able to salvage a little bit of the weekend by relaxing yesterday and venturing out to explore the city. We went to the Northside neighborhood and over the river into Covington. I posted some photos of yesterday and a lot of other new photos in the gallery.
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The boys have swimming championships today and tomorrow. Poor Bennett had to be there for warm-ups at 6:45am. It was fairly cool outside this morning, so I don't think "warm-up" is an accurate description of what he was doing. More like he was shocked by having to jump into a cold pool before he was even really awake and then having to get out of it and bundle up in towels, blankets and a sweatshirt!
Jessen called me a little bit ago to tell me that Bennett had won his heat in Butterfly. This is a pretty big deal and although it's just preliminaries and I don't think he'll qualify for final competition tomorrow, it's still great for him! He just learned Fly this year and he's picked it up very quickly, although it used to nearly kill me to watch him swim in when he was first learning because he basically looked like an inch worm struggling to get across the pool! I was terrified he would drown but he has improved greatly and I'm thrilled for him to have won his heat!
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This week is shaping up to be insane. Championships today and tomorrow and then Wednesday I am going to the Def Leppard/Poison/Cheap Trick show at Riverbend with Tim and Craig. I'm thrilled that Tim is coming into town! I don't think I've seen him since Craig's wedding which would be 2007 maybe??? Anyhow, I think it's pretty hilarious that we're actually paying money to see these bands but with beer and those two, it should be a great time!
We are heading up to Michigan on Friday for the weekend and then dropping Jessen off at water polo camp at U of M on the way home on Sunday. It's already shaping up to be a packed trip but I have plans to see a lot of friends and family I haven't seen in a LONG time. Plus, it looks like I will even get in a Dutch Henry show!
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Last week I started to go through my mom's things. The boys and I packed up her apartment after she died and carried all her belongings down to my basement where they have sat. I see them and smell them...taunting me with grief every time I go down there. I don't know what was different but last week something just said, "It's time.".
I opened a bag of her clothes and the smell of stillness seeped out. Clothes long unworn and permeated with the scent of the same laundry detergent she's used since I was in high school. I recall unpacking that smell so many times, coming back from visits home. She always washed our dirty clothes before we left; said there was no sense in getting home to just have to do laundry. It was her way of showing me she loved me. It's then that I start to cry.
I'm ashamed of being busy. Of willing my mind to go elsewhere and not let it remember these things about her.
When I was nine or ten, my mom made me a quilt. She had never taken on an endeavor like that but she was very good with a sewing machine and I recall her letting me cut out the squares from old clothes and sheets. The end result was her first (and possibly only) quilt. I loved it and when I was a little girl, I used to lay on top of it on the floor in the living room on Sunday nights to watch tv. It kept me extra warm in the cold Michigan winters and lay folded at foot of my made bed. I still have it, it's folded up and stored in the basement and needs a good washing but it's still there.
I've decided to make a quilt. I will use some clothes from my mom and dad, baby clothes from the kids, and some personal sentimental items of my own, but I am really going to try to do this. I don't know the first thing about using a sewing machine, so this will prove to be quite a challenge, but I am hoping it is therapeutic at the same time. I love the idea of wrapping myself up in a blanket of such good things and good memories. Just the thought makes me feel closer to them - like I'm keeping their memory alive within my family.
I'm still trying to figure out how to get all this started but it's been added to my life list and I'll keep you updated on the progress.
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Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone.
-C.S. Lewis |
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Bennett's hamster died while I was in Houston. Well, technically he died while I was en route to Houston. I received a frantic voice mail from Kaylie, when I touched down, requesting I call her immediately. Upon calling her back I received the news about little Jack the Hamster. Kaylie said that she wasn't really sure what happened but that he kind of went crazy in his cage and the next thing she knew he was lying on his back with his eyes wide open and not breathing.
Meh.
Bennett was at Cub Scout camp, so thankfully he missed the event, but he found out Thursday when he got home and Wow, I was not prepared for how hard he took it. His little heart was just broken. I was also not prepared for how much it overwhelmed me to see him so upset and to know that there wasn't a thing in the world I could do about it. We ended up having a long talk about life and death and the life expectancy of hamsters (two years!) and how Nana probably recognized him when he got to Heaven and how she'll look after him until Bennett gets there.
So, we put Jack the Hamster in a shoe box and buried him in the flower bed in the backyard this past Saturday. We all said a prayer and a few kind words about what a good hamster he was and recalled some fond memories. Bennett decorated a rock to commemorate his life and we placed it on top of the soil.
Safe journey, little guy.
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I arrived in Houston (The Woodlands) yesterday for work. I am only here until tomorrow night...most grateful thanks to our most Heavenly Host.
It's SO hot here. I heard Al Roker this morning live from Galveston, saying that it's so going to be so hot in Houston today that people will melt if they are outside for more than ten minutes. No lie.
It's like Africa hot. |
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I still get excited when I hit the MI/OH border and see the "Welcome to Michigan" sign.
I still turn the radio to WGRD right around the Muir exit.
I love that I can buy no-bake cookies at Wesco.
Oberon and Edie's in Baldwin actually serves it on draft by the jar. : )
Deep fried mushrooms.
The Pere Marquette River.
The radio always seems to play songs about coming home (i.e. "Homeward Bound", "I'm Coming Home").
The radio is also an asshole and seems to play songs that make me miss him even more.
Well water and how the smell of it reminds me of my parents house which makes me cry.
Cool nights and having to put on a sweatshirt before sitting outside on the deck.
Driving in the sunshine with the windows down and never turning on the a/c once while I was there.
The smell of Lake Michigan.
Feeling like I belong and things make sense.
So much has changed, yet so much is still the same.
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Funny how some cheesey movie can put it all into perspective.
Epiphany: If a man wants to be with you then he will find a way to make it happen.
End of story. |
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Agreed, Scott. I am pleased that a lo...
late night backroom deals and sneaky...
Bah. Take some time away from the TV ...
20 books?! Holy crap. I thought abo...
I think you did better on your resolu...